Mommy life is hard.
I'm tired. More tired than I can put into words.. and my kid sleeps through the night!
I feel like CRAP.. pregnancy does weird things to your body, and neglecting your bosy post-pregnancy because you're busy with 7,000 other things, well that makes it feel even worse.
So today was one of those days.. The kind where every single place I look I see something that needs to be done. Floors need to be washed, laundry is piling up, everywhere I look I see dust (life in a construction zone!)... and I couldn't do any of it. Why?
I'm overwhelmed.
Completely and utterly overwhelmed.
By my life.
As a wife.. As a mother.. A friend..
Today, I felt like I was failing at all of it.
Maybe it's true, and maybe it isn't, but today it felt true... lately it's felt true.
Here it is:
I feel like a failure.
Every time I'm short with my husband. Every time my daughter cries and I can't get her to settle. Every time I show up at a playdate and get stuck there for an extra hour (or three!) because feeding W is a bit of a process.. Every time I get behind in maintaining my home. Every time I don't respond to a text message.
And once I admitted this I let myself cry.. and cry.. and cry...... and cry... You get the idea.
Anyways.
Toward the end of my little (BIG) meltdown I got a text..
"Right behind your house at Walmart :) HI!"
And here was God's grace for me today. Ten minutes later I was at Starbucks with a dear friend. She knew. She understood. She's been here too. We all have bad days.
So today, I learned...
I'm not the only one.
I'm allowed to cry.
And the next bad day you have.. know that other mommies are having bad days too (even if there instagram or facebook updates tell you otherwise!) and that sometimes the best thing is to let yourself cry.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Does your life reflect your faith?
So last night my wonderful Better Half surprised me with tickets to Oprah! What a treat! Although I never would have spent the money on the tickets (and he won them!) I felt that seeing her would be a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And it was!
She looked fabulous! She spoke eloquently! She is exactly what you think she will be like, every bit the woman from television. She talked about life and purpose and love........
She said EVERYTHING.
And NOTHING.
She made references to God, said the name of Jesus once, quoted a verse from the Bible, and mangled and failed to give credit to another verse....but every time she made a reference to Christianty she would backtrack..make reference to "The Energy Source" and several other terms that slowly started to make me sick to my stomach, and then the bomb dropped.. "God is just a word." And at the end she said that our life after death will be based off of what type of life we lived here on earth.
WOAH! WHAT?!
This watered-down, twisted, politically correct version of "being spiritual and not religious" upset me to my core.
But lest there be a doubter among you, I am a Christian. Saved by the grace of God, when we confess are sins and are born again, there is nothing we can do to determin where we spend eternity. We are ALL sinners. Last time I check, my life was still a work in progress and I wasn't a good person, and I'm never going to be! I'm a sinner. Straight up. The beauty of Christianty is that I am aware of it.. and I don't have to move forward on my own. I am covered by the blood of Jesus and entirely dependant on Him to get me through life, day in and day out. I love Him and I chose to commit my life to His service.. His call and His purpose for me. Maybe my life reflects this.. HOPEFULLY it does. I hope the "fruit" of my faith in Him is evident. That my life is a little bit difference.. that the differences are evidence of my faith.
That being said, I hope my faith never gets confused for the garbage that was being spewed last night. It's DANGEROUS.
As Christians we need to make sure that we aren't getting mixed up in this. I often hear people say or see posts from Christians.. and maybe I've done this myself.. "Sending positive energy!" Or "Sending love and light!"
WHAT?!
You are a CHRISTIAN. You can't send ANYTHING.
What you can do though....
Get on your knees and pray.
I want to make sure, moving forward that my faith doesn't get confused for this. Why? Because I think that there are souls hanging in the balance. The whole foundation of Christianty is Jesus' sacrfice and this completely ignores it. This new version of Christianty where we mis-quote the Bible or pick and choose verses and turn a blind eye to others..it's dangerous and it's wrong. It's confusing and it's misleading.
I want my life to reflect my faith.
Do you?
And it was!
She looked fabulous! She spoke eloquently! She is exactly what you think she will be like, every bit the woman from television. She talked about life and purpose and love........
She said EVERYTHING.
And NOTHING.
She made references to God, said the name of Jesus once, quoted a verse from the Bible, and mangled and failed to give credit to another verse....but every time she made a reference to Christianty she would backtrack..make reference to "The Energy Source" and several other terms that slowly started to make me sick to my stomach, and then the bomb dropped.. "God is just a word." And at the end she said that our life after death will be based off of what type of life we lived here on earth.
WOAH! WHAT?!
This watered-down, twisted, politically correct version of "being spiritual and not religious" upset me to my core.
But lest there be a doubter among you, I am a Christian. Saved by the grace of God, when we confess are sins and are born again, there is nothing we can do to determin where we spend eternity. We are ALL sinners. Last time I check, my life was still a work in progress and I wasn't a good person, and I'm never going to be! I'm a sinner. Straight up. The beauty of Christianty is that I am aware of it.. and I don't have to move forward on my own. I am covered by the blood of Jesus and entirely dependant on Him to get me through life, day in and day out. I love Him and I chose to commit my life to His service.. His call and His purpose for me. Maybe my life reflects this.. HOPEFULLY it does. I hope the "fruit" of my faith in Him is evident. That my life is a little bit difference.. that the differences are evidence of my faith.
That being said, I hope my faith never gets confused for the garbage that was being spewed last night. It's DANGEROUS.
As Christians we need to make sure that we aren't getting mixed up in this. I often hear people say or see posts from Christians.. and maybe I've done this myself.. "Sending positive energy!" Or "Sending love and light!"
WHAT?!
You are a CHRISTIAN. You can't send ANYTHING.
What you can do though....
Get on your knees and pray.
I want to make sure, moving forward that my faith doesn't get confused for this. Why? Because I think that there are souls hanging in the balance. The whole foundation of Christianty is Jesus' sacrfice and this completely ignores it. This new version of Christianty where we mis-quote the Bible or pick and choose verses and turn a blind eye to others..it's dangerous and it's wrong. It's confusing and it's misleading.
I want my life to reflect my faith.
Do you?
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Mamere.
Very early on Wednesday morning we lost my dad's mom to Alzheimer's.
It is a horrible disease, and it's been difficult to watch it rob her of her memories. It was difficult to watch her lose her speach and eventually to fail to recognize each of us...
I sometimes feel like I lost my grandmother twice, because apart from the same shell, I didn't feel like I was saying goodbye to her on Monday night. Her body was leaving but her mind was already gone..
I have since tried to remember a happier and healthier woman. One who would sit with all of her grandchildren and patiently remind us how to play "Steal the Package." I remember the hutch in her living room full of every kind of porcelain figurine you could imagine. As a little girl I could sit and stare at them for hours. I remember evenings at 23 Centenial Boulevard in the spring, watching hundreds and hundreds of little blackbirds return from their winter migration and congregate on the wires. I remember her little Polish-English dictionaries.
When I think of Mamere I think also of the traits that have been passed down through her family, the things that I encounter daily. The "Justa" nose that she shares with her children and the varied appearances it makes in her grandchildren. I remember the shape of her hands, and her love for The Sound of Music, both of which I share with her. I remember the funny way she would say "Yes." and inhale at the same time so it sounded almost like a whisper.. something I've noticed myself and others do. The way that my dad says that food he's eating is "Nice.", something she used to do as well.
These are the things that keep our loved ones close to us after they leave us- and they make the years of waiting in between a little more bearable. I am comforted today by the fact that she knew Jesus and that we will be united again one day. I am comforted by the fact that death is not the end- as once stated in a movie that I saw..
"Lightbulbs die my sweet.. I will depart."
It is a horrible disease, and it's been difficult to watch it rob her of her memories. It was difficult to watch her lose her speach and eventually to fail to recognize each of us...
I sometimes feel like I lost my grandmother twice, because apart from the same shell, I didn't feel like I was saying goodbye to her on Monday night. Her body was leaving but her mind was already gone..
I have since tried to remember a happier and healthier woman. One who would sit with all of her grandchildren and patiently remind us how to play "Steal the Package." I remember the hutch in her living room full of every kind of porcelain figurine you could imagine. As a little girl I could sit and stare at them for hours. I remember evenings at 23 Centenial Boulevard in the spring, watching hundreds and hundreds of little blackbirds return from their winter migration and congregate on the wires. I remember her little Polish-English dictionaries.
When I think of Mamere I think also of the traits that have been passed down through her family, the things that I encounter daily. The "Justa" nose that she shares with her children and the varied appearances it makes in her grandchildren. I remember the shape of her hands, and her love for The Sound of Music, both of which I share with her. I remember the funny way she would say "Yes." and inhale at the same time so it sounded almost like a whisper.. something I've noticed myself and others do. The way that my dad says that food he's eating is "Nice.", something she used to do as well.
These are the things that keep our loved ones close to us after they leave us- and they make the years of waiting in between a little more bearable. I am comforted today by the fact that she knew Jesus and that we will be united again one day. I am comforted by the fact that death is not the end- as once stated in a movie that I saw..
"Lightbulbs die my sweet.. I will depart."
Thursday, March 7, 2013
You think it's bad now?! HA! Just wait...
I can't count how many times I've heard the above phrase over the past nine months.
I also can't count how many times I've wanted to punch these phrase-sayers in the face. I'm proud to say I haven't.
It seems that when you are expecting.. and through raising children too, I expect, people seem to feel entitled to do two things for you:
1. Give their opinion, solicited or otherwise, on everything under the sun.
2. Prepare you for how "awful" your future is going to be and all of the terrible things in store for you.
Now while the first is often well-meant and can even sometimes be helpful, it gets draining. After nine months of hearing how everyone under the sun dealt with pregnancy sickness and soreness, to delivery pain and recovery, to new born care, I'm on information overload. Most things now go in one ear and out the other. I smile and nod and I can dismiss them as quick as they come.
The second is the one that I have a REAL issue with...but I never quite understood why until I... GAASSSPPP... caught myself doing it. I started a sentence with.. "You think it's bad now? HA!.." and I wanted to crawl under a rock. I wanted to punch myself in the face.
Why? Why do I have such an issue with this phrase.. with this attitude? Because there is absolutely nothing good about it. It isn't speaking life into someone's future or encouraging them. It is doing the exact opposite. It is saying.. "Oh honey.. it will only get worse from here..." Life is hard enough without the people around us constantly telling us how awful the days to come will be. This day is hard enough as it is.
And the worst part is.. I have noticed at least.. it's only women who do this. Why do we do this to each other? It's as though we think if we go through a hardship everyone else must suffer equally. If I argued with my fiancé while planning our wedding then you must to.. otherwise there might be something wrong with my relationship.. or my feet swelled up in my pregnancy so you're must too.. or it took me ages and ages to get back to pre-pregnancy size so don't expect to fit into your jeans any time soon.. or my husband was useless with our newborn so don't expect anything of your man...
Yes, maybe these are "little things". Or maybe they aren't. They are the things that make life, day in and day out, bearable or unbearable. Yes, planning a wedding is difficult at times, we are bringing two lives together, don't make me paranoid for nothing. No, pregnancy isn't glamorous, but I will find that out on my own. Yes, having a baby and getting no sleep is hard, but I am blessed to have this baby and we will figure it out together.
I recently read a phrase that startled me in a Taylor Swift interview.. she was commenting on the jabs made against her by Tina Faye and Amy Poehler at a recent awards show.. Taylor Swift said that she had once heard Katie Couric say that there is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women.
I'm NOT saying we are all going to hell- but this statement hit me. As women, do we ever really help other women or are we secretly competing and tearing one another down? I think we have all been guilty of it. Life is hard enough as a woman without us taking one other out at the knees every chance we get.
So I challenge you.. and me for that matter.. to check yourself. Check your motives. Build the women around you up. Yes, even the gorgeous ones that always look perfect and have their life together and intimidate the crap out of you... and watch to see how your little acts of love can change someone, and change you. Check your attitude and watch your tongue.
Speak life instead.
So..I am making a point to vow that NEVER AGAIN will I use this phrase. I refuse to create fear in someone's life. I refuse to cast doubt on the future. I will speak LIFE into the women around me. I will build them up. I will smile and say..
It's going to be okay. The sun will rise tomorrow. Walk in the blessing of our Saviour and the knowledge that your future is blessed, that you are never abandoned and never walk alone.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Small Enough - Nichole Nordeman
Oh, Great God, be small enough to hear me now.
There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's den;
And I have asked you once or twice if You would part the sea again.
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky.
Just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry.
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.
Oh great God, be close enough to feel You now.
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own.
And how could I forget we've march around our share of Jerichos.
But I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight.
Just want to know that everything will be alright.
Oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now.
All praise and all the honor be;
To the God of ancient mysteries.
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history.
But tonight my heart is heavy,
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer.
Are You there?
And I know You could leave writing on the wall that's just for me.
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping, like in Solomon's sweet dreams.
But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end...
Just Want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head.
Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now.
There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's den;
And I have asked you once or twice if You would part the sea again.
But tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky.
Just want to know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry.
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.
Oh great God, be close enough to feel You now.
There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own.
And how could I forget we've march around our share of Jerichos.
But I will not be setting out a fleece for You tonight.
Just want to know that everything will be alright.
Oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now.
All praise and all the honor be;
To the God of ancient mysteries.
Whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history.
But tonight my heart is heavy,
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer.
Are You there?
And I know You could leave writing on the wall that's just for me.
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping, like in Solomon's sweet dreams.
But I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end...
Just Want to know that You still know how many hairs are on my head.
Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now.
This is my heart today.
Friday, February 22, 2013
The Waiting Game
So my little one.. W.. is due in exactly thirteen days.
What does that mean? Nothing. It means that she could be here in three hours, three days, thirteen days, or even (God FORBID!) thirty days. I've been stuck in this funny waiting place.. of wanting her to be here NOW and fearing that we are not ready and we need a little bit more time. There are a few more closets to clean out (how much de-cluttering can you do when you moved only a few months ago? I'll be colour coding my towels if left to my own devices!), I could probably stand to reorganize my freezer and label my frozen meals, my floors could use another vaccuum and the tile a quick wipe down, the bathrooms a once-over.....
On any regular day the thought of doing these things is a balm. I take pride in being a house wife.. having clean floor and overly organzied cupboards keep my mind organized.... I know I over-do it and I'm OCD and for some people these things don't matter. That's fine. I'm not saying that they should for everyone, but for me, and the way that I work.. they do... Or they NORMALLY do.
Today they feel menial. Who am I organizing this closet for? So that in a few days at three am when I need to change the sheets in a messy, stinky crib, I know what colour I'm grabbing?
Today there are bigger things to think about. The little girl who's on her way. What kind of home is she coming into? No.. it won't be full of dust and her socks will probably be paired.. thanks to the strange combination of OCD and germaphobia that I seem to have gotten from my Mom and Dad.. but I PRAY and I HOPE that it will be full of love. That along with teaching her the best ways to fold towels and fitted sheets I can teach her to love God above all else... that the secret to chewy chocolate chip cookies is dissolving the baking soda in hot water... that it's okay to make mistakes... that she is immeasurable valued and loved...
Today I realized that even if my house isn't ready, my heart is, and all the rest.. will fall into place..
What does that mean? Nothing. It means that she could be here in three hours, three days, thirteen days, or even (God FORBID!) thirty days. I've been stuck in this funny waiting place.. of wanting her to be here NOW and fearing that we are not ready and we need a little bit more time. There are a few more closets to clean out (how much de-cluttering can you do when you moved only a few months ago? I'll be colour coding my towels if left to my own devices!), I could probably stand to reorganize my freezer and label my frozen meals, my floors could use another vaccuum and the tile a quick wipe down, the bathrooms a once-over.....
On any regular day the thought of doing these things is a balm. I take pride in being a house wife.. having clean floor and overly organzied cupboards keep my mind organized.... I know I over-do it and I'm OCD and for some people these things don't matter. That's fine. I'm not saying that they should for everyone, but for me, and the way that I work.. they do... Or they NORMALLY do.
Today they feel menial. Who am I organizing this closet for? So that in a few days at three am when I need to change the sheets in a messy, stinky crib, I know what colour I'm grabbing?
Today there are bigger things to think about. The little girl who's on her way. What kind of home is she coming into? No.. it won't be full of dust and her socks will probably be paired.. thanks to the strange combination of OCD and germaphobia that I seem to have gotten from my Mom and Dad.. but I PRAY and I HOPE that it will be full of love. That along with teaching her the best ways to fold towels and fitted sheets I can teach her to love God above all else... that the secret to chewy chocolate chip cookies is dissolving the baking soda in hot water... that it's okay to make mistakes... that she is immeasurable valued and loved...
Today I realized that even if my house isn't ready, my heart is, and all the rest.. will fall into place..
Friday, February 1, 2013
A "spiritual" slap on the wrist..
I was sitting at lunch with a couple of girlfriends today and we were discussing.. husbands.. what else? Nothing bad! Just talking about the big (and little) differences between men and women.
Now let me be clear- we were not talking badly about our other halves. We were laughing, joking and symapthyzing with each other. I do NOT believe it's okay to ever talk poorly about your spouse to someone else. I respect and love my husband, to his face.. and behind his back, I just wish that from time to time he saw the same things I did when cleaning the kitchen, or didn't trim his nails or give the dog a bath half an hour after I finished cleaning the bathroom. The way that we do things, what we see as "clean" and "dirty"... and WHY OH WHY does he NEVER do things when I ask him to do them?! I'm asking him to do it because I want him to do it now.. not when it works into his schedule in six hours- or even six days. Sometimes I have to use a little self control and not yell out.. "I AM ASKING YOU TO DO IT NOW BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO DO IT NOW!"
And that's when it happened.. SLAP! Right on the wrist...
Our church has been doing a study as a group, it's twelve weeks and called "Experiencing God" and while the small group DVD can be a little.. err.. dry? The daily studies have been challenging me, day in and day out.
Yesterday's study talked about how when we give our life to Christ we give Him the right to use it at His will. Whenever He wants. The door is open. Come in and ask me to do whatever You want, whenver You want.......
But can I honestly say that I would? If I was in the middle of cleaning or on my way out the door with big plans, and he showed up and asked something of me, would I drop what I was doing and go or wait and fit Him into my schedule? I am ashamed to say that I would do the latter.
How many times have I ignored the Lord Of My Life because what He asked didn't fit into my schedule, or I just didn't want to, or I wasn't comfortable..... how STUPID does that sound?! He isn't asking something of me so that He can screw me over, hang me out to dry and laugh about it later.. He isn't asking now so I can fit it in when I want to..
Maybe sometimes He wants to yell at me.. "I AM ASKING YOU TO DO IT NOW BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO DO IT NOW!"
Now let me be clear- we were not talking badly about our other halves. We were laughing, joking and symapthyzing with each other. I do NOT believe it's okay to ever talk poorly about your spouse to someone else. I respect and love my husband, to his face.. and behind his back, I just wish that from time to time he saw the same things I did when cleaning the kitchen, or didn't trim his nails or give the dog a bath half an hour after I finished cleaning the bathroom. The way that we do things, what we see as "clean" and "dirty"... and WHY OH WHY does he NEVER do things when I ask him to do them?! I'm asking him to do it because I want him to do it now.. not when it works into his schedule in six hours- or even six days. Sometimes I have to use a little self control and not yell out.. "I AM ASKING YOU TO DO IT NOW BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO DO IT NOW!"
And that's when it happened.. SLAP! Right on the wrist...
Our church has been doing a study as a group, it's twelve weeks and called "Experiencing God" and while the small group DVD can be a little.. err.. dry? The daily studies have been challenging me, day in and day out.
Yesterday's study talked about how when we give our life to Christ we give Him the right to use it at His will. Whenever He wants. The door is open. Come in and ask me to do whatever You want, whenver You want.......
But can I honestly say that I would? If I was in the middle of cleaning or on my way out the door with big plans, and he showed up and asked something of me, would I drop what I was doing and go or wait and fit Him into my schedule? I am ashamed to say that I would do the latter.
How many times have I ignored the Lord Of My Life because what He asked didn't fit into my schedule, or I just didn't want to, or I wasn't comfortable..... how STUPID does that sound?! He isn't asking something of me so that He can screw me over, hang me out to dry and laugh about it later.. He isn't asking now so I can fit it in when I want to..
Maybe sometimes He wants to yell at me.. "I AM ASKING YOU TO DO IT NOW BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO DO IT NOW!"
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