Get it together.

So I live in this headspace called- “Worst Case Scenario.”

Have you ever visited? I’m basically a permanent resident. The TINIEST thing goes slightly awry and all of a sudden my wildly vivid imagination takes me to this place where the universe is ending. I occasionally dream of living (read: ALWAYS CONTEMPLATE HOW TO CREATE) in an underground self-sustained, shock proof underground bunker, with it’s own spring well, because.. oh my goodness what if there is a HUGE earthquake and we get trapped in here and we all get crushed and the windows get blocked and how do I get my kids out and what will I do to feed the baby because Wal Mart will get wrecked and we are going to need formula AHHH.. I’m working myself into a right state now.


The other day I did this hard thing—there’s this mole on my leg. And it’s freaking me out. EVERY time I’ve looked at it for the past year (yep. I procrastinated for a year)I get this ache in my gut.. I finally made the appointment to have it looked at—and I’m right on the money.. The thing has got to go. I have to have it removed. Talk to a derm. Then we find out if there’s an issue.. but in my “Worst Case Scenario” world I’ve basically already died of cancer and I’m trying to figure out how to pack a lifetime into the next few days because OH MY GOD MY KIDS.. there are so many things left to teach them, so much love left to show them. And I shouldn’t have gotten that babysitter that one time I should have just stayed home because that is time that I should have been with them and I wanted to take them to Discovery Cove so we could snorkel with the manta ray.. (Yes, I’ve seen Blackfish. I’m also not interested in being eaten by a shark so I will do this in a controlled environment thankyouverymuch!) do I write them letters? Record videos?! What about Michael?! I don’t’ want him to be alone. It goes on.. I can’t even write where my head is going. It isn’t funny. It’s frightening.

My family……….

The worst part? I don’t have some stupid little clear cut lesson for how to fix it. I really struggle with staying out of this awful world of terror in my head and staying present in the real one.
I struggle with keeping my focus on Jesus.

OH YEAH JESUS
Ugh. I need to get it together.